One early morning a few years back was not going my way. It started with bickering kids, a disappointing run, and what felt like a million different tasks to do. I got to the office—barely had time to put my stuff down, let alone grab a cup of coffee—when it happened.
A well-intentioned colleague dropped criticism on me I was not prepared to handle.
You know that fight-or-flight feeling? When heat creeps up your neck and face, your pulse quickens, and you feel the instinct to bristle up and get defensive. Or worse, lash out at the perceived attacker.
That’s where I was. It hurt. We dealt with it in the end, and I did need a moment of self-reflection and course correction. But if you know that sensation—getting all tight and prickly when receiving criticism (valid or otherwise)—you’re not alone.
Sometimes high achievers, leaders, and entrepreneurs struggle with it more than anyone. If you want to improve how you handle hard-to-hear feedback, keep reading.
The First Job Is Listening, Not Responding
When feedback lands and it stings, the instinct is to formulate a defense before the other person finishes talking. We’re already rehearsing context, explanations, and counterpoints. The problem is that while we’re doing that, we're not actually hearing what's being said.
Psychologists call this "defensive listening," and it's remarkably common in high performers. The same drive that makes you good at what you do also makes your ego more invested in how you're perceived. When that ego hears a threat, it activates.
I’ve been there and had some unpleasant moments that I’m not proud of. Now that I’m older (and hopefully wiser), I try to treat the first moments of feedback like I would when hearing out a solution to a problem. Understanding it first, evaluating it second.
Before you respond, pause to clarify.
Start with “So, what I’m hearing is [ rephrase the criticism as you understood it ]. Is that accurate?”
This gives both of you a moment to think it through and process, while giving room to clear up any misunderstanding from the get-go.
When It Bruises Your Ego
Some feedback isn't just hard to hear: it's personally painful. When someone challenges your judgment, your character, or a decision you made under pressure, it can feel less like criticism and more like an attack.
I've had moments where I walked away from a conversation convinced the other person was wrong, but when I got home and decompressed, I realized they were right about a third of it. I just couldn’t see that when I was having a viscerally defensive reaction to a “threat.”
I had to learn that feedback about my work or decisions is not feedback about my worth as a person. High performers tend to merge those two things. When someone says "that strategy didn't work," what registers internally is "you made a bad call, and you’re a bad person who is bad at their job."
Conflating the two is where the bruise comes from.
We’ve got to keep in mind that nine times out of ten, even harsh criticism is not malicious. And even when it is…there might still be something you can glean from it.
Turning Unconstructive Criticism Into Something Usable
Not all feedback is delivered well. Some of it is vague, emotional, poorly framed, or attached to an agenda. It might be particularly abrasive or combative, or about something you have zero control over.
It's tempting to dismiss it entirely when it doesn't arrive in a neat, actionable package.
The better move is to do the translation work. Behind almost every piece of poorly framed criticism is a kernel of legitimacy—something that isn't working, something someone needed and didn't get, a place where expectations and reality diverged. Your job is to find that kernel.
Ask yourself: What is the actual complaint underneath this? Strip out the tone, the frustration, the imprecision. What is this person telling me that they don't have the vocabulary or composure to say clearly right now?
When you approach it that way, even the messiest feedback can give you something to work with. And it keeps you from developing a habit that undermines growth: the habit of only accepting feedback that comes in the form you prefer.
The Compounding Effect of Welcoming Criticism
Leaders who receive feedback well tend to get more of it. The people around them learn that honesty is safe, that they won't be punished for it, and that positive change will actually happen. That creates a feedback loop where you're constantly getting better information and more chances to improve your business—and yourself.
Who in your life gives you feedback you actually trust? Share why in the comments.