Every August, a new kid would show up to preseason with that look on his face — the one where he's sizing everyone up. Coach Chris included.
Twenty-five years of coaching competitive soccer, and I still caught myself wanting the new kid to like me. Not respect me. Not fear me. Like me.
For a long time, I thought it was a silly instinct. It felt beneath the job or superficial. Especially because these were kids, not my peers. I figured the wanting-to-be-liked part was a leftover from being a kid myself—something to grow out of, not lean into.
And you know what? I was wrong.
"If you wish to win a man over to your ideas, first make him your friend." —Abraham Lincoln
Why Being Liked Beats Being Right
Robert Cialdini, the psychologist behind Influence, spent decades studying why people say yes to one request and no to another. One of his core findings is what he calls the principle of liking: we're far more likely to agree to something, buy from someone, or follow someone's lead when we like them.
Not when we respect them most, or fear them most, or think they're the smartest person in the room, but when we like them.
That's not a flattering thing to admit about human nature, honestly.
It suggests we're making decisions — about who to trust, who to hire, who to follow — based on something that sounds less rigorous and far more subjective than we'd like to believe.
But you know, once I stopped being embarrassed by that instinct in the locker room and started paying attention to it, I realized it was valuable information. Kids play harder for coaches they like, just as clients stay loyal to people they like.
None of that is shallow; it’s just how humans build trust.
4 Things That Make You Likable
Where I think most people get it wrong is assuming likeability is fixed — you either have it, or you don't, and if you don't, you're stuck compensating with competence instead.
Cialdini's research says otherwise. He identifies specific, learnable drivers behind why we like the people we like.
Similarity. Kids didn't warm up to me because I was awesome at running drills. They warmed up when I remembered which one of them hated calf raises as much as I did, or that another one's dad worked nights and drove to practice half asleep, or what one kid’s favorite superhero was. Those small things built more morale than any pregame speech I ever gave. The same has held true in business — the deals that came together fastest were the ones where the other person felt like I truly understood them.
Genuine praise. It has to be specific to land. "Great job" doesn't register. "You held that line even when your legs were done" does, because it goes beyond flattery and shows you’re paying attention.
Cooperation. Working with someone toward something, not just delivering value to them or dictating from a distance, changes how they experience you entirely.
Familiarity. Ever have a family pet that you loved? When you come home, their presence was enough to lower your blood pressure and help you feel truly relaxed. That’s familiarity: showing up consistently without asking for anything in return.
Why It’s Harder Than It Looks
Being liked is work. It's so, so much easier to lean on being right, being prepared, or being the most experienced person at the table.
It's harder to remember details about people, to hand out praise that's actually specific, to keep showing up in ways that don't immediately pay off. So yes, it’s a “soft” skill—a people skill. But it’s definitely one of the harder ones to actually practice with any consistency, especially under pressure.
If you want to test this yourself, pick one relationship this week (a client, a new hire, a teammate) and try just one of the four habits above. Repeating it again and again does more for how people experience you than almost anything else.
What's one specific thing you've deliberately worked on to build trust with someone new? I want to hear what's worked for you in the comments.